"Each of us will taste the bitter ashes of life, from sin and neglect to sorrow and disappointment. But the atonement of Christ can lift us up in beauty from our ashes on the wings of a sure promise of immortality and eternal life. He will thus lift us up, not only at the end of life, but in each day of our lives."
Bruce C. Hafen, “Beauty for Ashes: The Atonement of Jesus Christ,” Ensign, Apr. 1990

There is a profound sense of urgency I (Eric) have had to write about these two subjects. This feels like a daunting task, however, due to the complexity of both the Atonement and shame. Everything I have learned about shame comes from two sources: most importantly, prayer to my Heavenly Father and a life-changing book, Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw. Both have helped me to personally work through the lifelong effects of toxic shame. The most important step in overcoming shame is to accept the Savior's atonement on my behalf and take his yoke upon me as promised in the scriptures.
“Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me; for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls.” (Matt. 11:29)
Unfortunately I can give only a brief introduction to what shame is and why it is such an important issue. If anything I share rings true to you and your life, please buy Dr. Bradshaw's book. You can get it very inexpensively from any online bookseller. You can actually preview most of it on Google books. Just search for Healing the Shame That Binds You at http://books.google.com. Dr. Bradshaw gives a brief explanation of what shame is:
“In itself, shame is not bad. Shame is a normal human emotion. In fact, it is necessary to have the feeling of shame if one is to be truly human. Shame is the emotion which gives us permission to be human. Shame tells us of our limits. Shame keeps us in our human boundaries, letting us know we can and will make mistakes, and that we need help. Our shame tells us we are not God. Healthy shame is the psychological foundation of humility. It is the source of spirituality.
Shame as a healthy human emotion can be transformed into shame as a state of being. As a state of being, shame takes over one's whole identity. To have shame as an identity is to believe that one's being is flawed, that one is defective as a human being. Once shame is transformed into an identity, it becomes toxic and dehumanizing” (Bradshaw; 1989; Healing the Shame That Binds You, p. vii).
Toxic shame can be explained even more simply like this: When toxic shame-free people make a mistake, they think, “I just made a bad choice. I need to repent of that or I need to fix that.” When a toxic-shame filled person makes a mistake they think “I am such an idiot. Why do I always mess up? I will never do anything right. I will just never be perfect like everyone expects me to be.” It's the difference between “my choice was bad” vs. “I am bad.” Can you see the difference?
We have come to recognize that toxic shame is the basis for most of the world's problems. If people think they are inherently flawed, it usually leads to two effects: perfectionism or self-hate. Toxic shame creates the need to cover up our flaws by any means possible. Shame leads to living life as one big play. We are acting on a stage, trying to be perfect at all times to prove that we are not messed up. It often leads to addictions, which are a warped way of either trying to be perfect or trying to cover up the pain and emotions that are being hidden. The ironic thing in all of this, as we try so hard to be perfect, we often subconsciously or consciously screw up or sabotage ourselves to remind us of how bad we are. It is a vicious cycle that is often referred to as the shame spiral. Toxic shame is often not recognized by those who suffer from it, so sometimes a good friend or loved one needs to point it out.
There are many causes for shame. It usually begins in childhood with a specific event or a lifetime of events piling up on each other. It can come from sin, parents’ teachings, neglect, etc. Almost anything can trigger it and anything can start it. The key is to recognize it and to use the Atonement to get rid of it.
As you can imagine, it is one of the most destructive forces in a marriage. It leads to justification, addictions, fear, pain, suffering, abuse, lying, etc. A person with toxic shame almost always marries someone else with toxic shame. They just seem to attract each other. They then work together in shaming themselves and each other, building upon the shame and creating what each other wants, to beat themselves up for being such a horrible person. They then bring children into the family and teach shame to them. And so the spiral goes.
This chapter is meant to bring everyone who reads it to the knowledge of this destructive force. I have barely scratched the surface of what it is all about. I hope I have conveyed a little bit of how it affects so many of us. You can get rid of it altogether, but it takes recognition, prayer, repentance and most importantly the Atonement of Jesus Christ.
Toxic-shame filled people will fight with everything they have to deny they suffer from this. To truly recognize once and for all that they are flawed and that others recognize it can be devastating. They have lived their lives hiding their deepest, darkest secrets and pains so that to them they appear perfect to the outside world. The foolish thing is that shame can rarely be hidden. It shows up in many ways. I mentioned perfectionism before. They may have to have a spotless home, be the greatest hostess or host, have all the latest toys, be the hardest worker, serve the most, etc. The other side is they hate themselves. They abuse drugs, steal, lie, hurt themselves, neglect themselves, etc.
The true and lasting way to overcome toxic shame is first to recognize it, allow yourself to see your flaws and imperfections, and let them go with the help of our Savior. The Atonement is the most important gift we have been given to let go of our past pains, forgive ourselves and forgive those that have hurt us. Through the repentance process we will be able to recognize ourselves for who we truly are: beloved sons and daughters of a kind and caring Heavenly Father. When He created us, He made us perfect. Through life's trials and hardships we often begin to distance ourselves from the perfect being he sent us to earth as. This can all be reversed, and the Atonement is the key.
“Atonement means taking two things that have become separated, estranged, or incompatible, like a perfect God and an imperfect me or you, and bringing them together again, thus making the two be ‘at one’” (Robinson; 1992; Believing Christ, p.7).
The scriptures give a beautiful account of what this means to us personally:
“That it might be fulfilled which was spoken by Esaias the prophet, saying, Himself took our infirmities, and bare our sicknesses.” (Matt. 8:17)
“And he shall go forth, suffering pains and afflictions and temptations of every kind; and this that the word might be fulfilled which saith he will take upon him the pains and the sicknesses of his people.” (Alma 7:11)
“Come now, and let us reason together, saith the Lord: though your sins be as scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they be red like crimson, they shall be as wool.” (Isaiah 1:18)
What this means to us, is no matter what we have done, whatever pain we have suffered, whatever trial we have endured, whatever sickness we have felt, the Savior is there to lift us up and help us overcome it all. His Atonement is a free gift that He both suffered in Gethsemane and on the cross to give us. If we wish to free ourselves from pain, suffering, sadness and toxic shame, we must use that gift.

Challenges

1.If you feel toxic shame is a problem in your life, spend a few dollars and buy the book Healing the Shame That Binds You and STUDY it. You need to understand how toxic shame is affecting you and your family and spouse.

2.Take time to recognize when you beat yourself up and say things in your mind like, I am such an idiot, Why am I so bad?, Why do I always screw up?, I would be better off dead, etc. Look for the patterns that lead to these situations. Write them down and ponder on how Christ can take these destructive feelings from you.

3.If you need to understand the Atonement better, I highly recommend the book Believing Christ by Stephen E. Robinson. It is easy to read yet very comprehensive in its teaching of the Atonement.

To find out more about Shame and the Atonement, please check out our Resources section. Thank you!