"In our society today I see so many people who blame others for their failures. I have observed that those who accept personal responsibility for their actions are more successful than those who blame their shortcomings and lack of accomplishments on someone else." — James E. Faust, Ensign, May 2006

It's so much easier to blame others for our problems than to take responsibility for ourselves. Yes, sometimes things happen to us that are beyond our control, but we always have the ability to choose how we react. Consider a woman who is hit by a drunk driver. Being hit was by no means her fault. How can she take accountability? Well, she can choose fear, hate and blame, focusing on being the victim; or she can choose strength, forgiveness and courage to move on.

Our society thrives on being the victim. Nothing is ever our fault. We don't succeed with money because the economy is bad or our parents never taught us how or our spouse spends like crazy. We have a hard time with relationships because we were/are abused or had a dysfunctional family. We don't succeed at our job because we couldn't go to college or our boss just doesn't appreciate us so we never get a promotion.

Yet how does it feel to be a victim?

Helpless, powerless, weak, sad, defeated, wimpy, worthless, suicidal, angry, used, demeaning, martyr, justified, unaccountable, blameless, stupid, irresponsible, bad, useless. Consider it and feel free to add to this list. Being a victim feels horrible.

And what about all the rich people whose parents were dirt poor? What about the person who was severely abused as a child who now takes in abused foster children and lovingly helps them heal? What about the CEOs who worked their way up from the mail room. What about them?

Accountability. Plain and simple. We cannot always choose what happens to us, but often we can, and we certainly can always choose how we react. We can choose to be a helpless victim, or we can take control of our lives and create our results!

Consider again the woman we wrote about in the previous chapter who was raped. Was that her fault? Did she deserve it? No! She was the victim of a horrible act of violence. However, did she choose to stay a victim? No. She could have. She could have borne that cross for the rest of her life. She could have become angry and bitter or fearful and distrustful, letting the hurt continue on and on. And who would have blamed her? What happened to her was horrible! However, even though she was the victim of the crime, she did not remain a victim. She chose to let the responsibility lie with the perpetrator, and she chose to live life fully, despite the rape. Although not accountable for the crime, she chose to be accountable for her reaction and how it affected her. She chose to be strong and courageous. She chose to heal and move on. She chose that that horrible experience did not dictate who she became. That is what we mean about being a victim vs. being accountable. She chose to be accountable for who she is and how she lives.

What about the woman whose mother told her to stand up straight? Again it really happened, yet she chose to remain the victim. She held onto the pain and stories she let the experience create about herself and her worth. She let it negatively affect the rest of her life. Is there another choice? Truthfully there are many, but when we are in pain, we seldom see any other choices. That is a main objective of this book, to show there are other choices, other perspectives.

What if her mom thought she was being helpful and loving? What if her mom was truly horrible and mean? What if it was true: she stooped over and it looked bad? The reality remains that she can still choose to let the pain and story dictate her life or she can decide who she is and how she lives her life.

It may sound like we are saying everything that ever happened to you is somehow your fault. That is not at all what we are saying. Lest you think us horribly unfeeling, please let us share this true story which we hope illustrates our point.

We have the great privilege of knowing a woman we'll call Mary in an effort to respect her privacy. Mary exudes peace and love. She literally shines with those emotions. We have never met anyone quite like her. Just being in her presence is calming and fills you up like you are the most special person on earth. Mary is a tiny woman, only about five feet tall, and she's in her mid 50s. Until about a year ago Mary could hardly function. She was basically a recluse, letting only her children into her tiny, messy home. Mary was severely abused as a child in about every way you can imagine. The effects were so traumatizing she literally used to swallow money hoping it would give her some worth. She liked quarters best because they were the biggest coin and would therefore make her worth more, “right?” her child mind reasoned.

As she grew and married, she ended up on large amounts of anti-depressants. When her husband became chronically ill she spent 15 years as his primary caregiver. The trials of her life left her despondent and in self-inflicted seclusion. Through it all Mary maintained a belief in Christ and His Atonement. She would make some headway in healing, but ongoing trials would knock her back down. Then finally Mary had the opportunity to learn about stories. She learned about being a victim vs. being accountable. Most of all she discovered who God said she was. This is when we had the blessing of meeting Mary. She chose to let go of the painful stories the abuse had created. She chose to let the responsibility of the abuse lie with her abusers. She chose to go through the process of discovering who God said she was. We met Mary, the true Mary as God created her to be. That is the Mary we are fortunate to know. The Mary who is happy, joyful, strong and completely at peace. She is no longer a recluse, her health is even improving, and she now goes about serving and helping others on the same journey of healing as she took. She praises and glorifies God as she goes, giving Him the credit for sending her the information and change of perspective she needed and acknowledging the Atonement, which made her healing possible.

Mary learned that even though horrible things had happened to her, she could remain in pain, as a victim, or she could choose to be accountable and create who she decided to be. Every one of us can do this, no matter what we've done or experienced.

So why would anyone choose to remain a victim? Like we said, sometimes we are not even aware of it; it's all we know. Sometimes we don't even see there are other choices or how to change. Also T. Harv Eker suggests,
“Blame, justification, and complaining are like pills.... They alleviate stress [and pain]” (Eker; 2005; Secrets of the Millionaire Mind; Mastering the Inner Game of Wealth, p. 59).

Also being a victim has its rewards. What do people get out of being a victim? Attention for one. “Oh, poor you. You've had such a hard life.” And isn't attention what we all live for? Think about it. Suppose you just got a speeding ticket and you’re late to a party with a large group of people. Are you going to walk in and answer their questions as to why you were late with the accountable version of the story? “I did not manage my time well, and I was speeding to make up for it and got a ticket.” BORING! No, you're going to tell the victim version of the story! “I was so late, and I couldn't find my keys, and then my boss needed to finish a project before I could leave. So of course I had to do that. Then there was construction on the road I usually take and I couldn't find another way through. By the time I got on the freeway I was so late I figured I'd fly down the carpool lane and bam! The cop came out of nowhere...” You've heard the story. The victim one is much more entertaining and gets you a lot more attention.
Now, in that example the victim story is entertaining; however, the storyteller is still portraying that he or she is a victim of circumstance, his boss, timing, the traffic, the police officer and so on. What about less trivial victim stories, like abuse, rape, etc.? Remember the words we used to describe what being a victim feels like? Bad, worthless, helpless.... Even despite wanting attention or not knowing how to change, if it so obviously hurts, why would we choose to be a victim? T. Harv Eker explains,
“The reason people live for attention is that they've made a critical mistake. It is the same error virtually all of us have made. We've confused attention with love” (Eker; 2005; Secrets of the Millionaire Mind; Mastering the Inner Game of Wealth, p. 60).

Also, being the victim sometimes seems easier. Changing our lives can be hard and painful. Our stories are familiar and, sadly, comfortable. A dear friend of ours says, “A person will not change until his current way hurts bad enough.” Our marriage and our hearts hurt bad enough. We were willing to do what ever we had to to have consistent peace and joy. Are you? If you are, then you'll have to honestly look at your stories and you'll have to honestly look at the ways you choose to be a victim.
Do you hold on to the story that your life has turned out as it has because of your parents, where you grew up, your money problems, etc.? Our parents might have influenced us, but are they the reason we are as we are now? Deep in our hearts we know that we made choices that have lead us where we are. There are very few, if any, situations that we cannot decide what we let the outcome be.

One final thought on this concept. We've discussed situations where we truly were a victim of something others did to us. What about situations that you had responsibility for what happened, but due to fear, justification, pride, anger or whatever it may be, you decided to blame the other person?

The following is an example of this other way of being a victim:

It is 1:00 am in the morning. The baby cries and your VERY first thought is “I should get up with the baby and help out my wife. She is exhausted, and I could really help.” This is a happy thought and one that would lead to further peace down the road. BUT, you decide to ignore that feeling and justify why it is okay not to get up. “I have to work 9 hours tomorrow. Why is she not getting up? I will be grumpy all day tomorrow if I do not get my sleep right now. Boy is she lazy, just laying there ignoring the baby” etc, etc. Pretty soon you are angry that your wife did not get up and resentful that she is ruining your sleep that you need so desperately. You are a victim of your wife’s thoughtlessness. The funny thing is she might still just be sleeping and have no idea what is happening. In just a few minutes you have changed the story in your mind from a loving, charitable thought to anger and hostility. (Paraphrased from Warner; 2001; Bonds that Make Us Free)

As we have learned more about victim/accountability in these situations, we often find that there is almost always an initial thought, impression or feeling that comes before a choice is made. When we ignore this impression, bad things often happen and we then have to defend our choice or blame someone else when the outcome is negative. If you look back on your life and the choices you have made that damaged or, you may feel, even destroyed your life, you will begin to see that maybe you did have a feeling that you should not have gone on a date with that guy, you should not have purchased that item on your credit card, you should not have said those harsh words, etc. We all have the ability to feel in our hearts when something is wrong. The KEY is to follow that feeling and recognize it for what it is: a prompting from a loving Heavenly Father. Some might call it a conscience, the Light of Christ, natural knowing, etc. Whatever you call it, we all need to train ourselves to follow these feelings. We need to fight that urge to justify it away, and we need to choose to be accountable.

How does it feel to be accountable?

Powerful, respectable, strong, capable, competent, responsible, trustworthy, adequate, good, worthy, admirable, honorable, honest, reliable, useful, dependable, considerate, stable, authentic.
Know that you can see the different perspective, the different way of being and feeling. Which do you choose? Victim or accountable?

Challenges

1.Take time to ponder the ways you feel that you are a victim. How can you let the responsibility lie where it belongs? If it is your responsibility, be accountable by acknowledging it, repenting if necessary and fixing it. If it is someone else's responsibility, let it be theirs and be accountable for yourself by creating a new positive story.

2.It can be really helpful to sit across from each other and share one of your stories, first as a victim and then as accountable.

3.This is an ongoing challenge to change your perspective and watch yourself and your thoughts. When you find yourself playing the victim, choose to stop and be accountable. It will lead to a much happier life and state of mind.

To find out more about this topic, please check out our Resources section. Thank you!